Agenda (revised)


  • Saturday, 05:00 (recurring) – Wake up. Make yelping noise to rouse staff.
  • Saturday, 05.20 – Staff remain asleep. Add new event, Monday, 10am: advertise for new staff. Snooze.
  • Saturday, 07:00 (recurring) – Wake up. Make yelping noise to rouse staff. Scratch door. Honk.
  • Saturday, 09:00 – Staff finally appear, serve breakfast. Tuna. Cancel advert for new staff – the chef, at least, is competent if not punctual.
  • Saturday, 09.30 – Engage with Ralph in FURIOUS FIVE MINUTE DEATH CHASE. Knock stuff over. Crash into fridge. Pounce. Repeat as required.
  • Saturday, 09:35 – Ralph wins. Snooze.
  • Saturday, 11:00 – Relocate to large chair. Persuade staff to tickle fluffy ears. Roar, snort, make boxing fists with fluffy paws, snooze.
  • Saturday, 14:00 – Relocate to sunny spot in exact centre of kitchen floor. Snooze, interrupted only when staff trip over inert form.
  • Saturday, 15:30 – SNAKE ALERT. Home invaded again by fluffy snake. Display aerial superiority by leaping through air, catch snake, grizzle. Once threat contained, growl at Ralph.
  • Saturday, 16:00 – Snooze with snake corpse.
  • Saturday, 16:30 – Awake. Snake has, once again, mysteriously disappeared. Interrorage Ralph. Ralph claims that snake is employed by staff – quickly dismiss this ludicrous idea.
  • Saturday, 16:35 – A realisation: Ralph clearly in league with snake. Use last of energy for ineffective stinkfight with Ralph.
  • Saturday, 17:00 – Staff heading into banquet hall. Rush in for dinner. If dinner not served, repeat every 15 minutes until dinner finally appears.
  • Saturday, 19:00 – Finally, dinner. Inhale cod chunks. Commence two hour cleaning ritual.
  • Saturday, 20:00 – Interrupt cleaning to stink up bathroom. Scratch floor outside litterbox. More cleaning.
  • Saturday, 21:00 – Staff monopolizing large bed, watching the Ray Mears window (Mears currently nowhere to be seen – make note to watch for him tomorrow). Push staff out of way to create sleeping space.
  • Saturday, 21:30 – Sleep.

Sunday: As per Saturday, so far, but with an earlier start. No idea why they’re waking up so early this week, but it’s exhausting.

4 responses to “Agenda (revised)”

  1. chrisphin says:

    You’re a funny man. That is all.

  2. bagelmouseuk says:

    Interesting… El Mog has been driving me nuts with early morning calls and lots of regular yelping too. Do you think they’re co-ordinating, somehow?

  3. Tom Royal says:

    Chris – and you, sir, are too kind

    Bagelmouse – You may be onto something there. I’d love to think that they’ve been slowly stealing transistors from the television and VCR in order to build radio communications. Or maybe Lewisham cats are unionised?

  4. bagelmouseuk says:

    Well… my cat is spending a lot of time behind a cupboard that I can’t get to. It’s possible there’s a base station in there. Or, the tabby cat has been hanging around again. It may be a messenger.

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