tomroyal.com

27th December 2008

Last commute of 2008, last issue of 2008, and probably the last thing posted here for 2008. Merry new year, and all that.

When I first moved to The Big Office In Soho I was taken for an induction meeting. After all the usual office stuff (lift with your knees, don't try to repair the copier with sellotape, don't sell your security pass to tramps) we inductees were given a warning about working in this part of town. It could be roughly paraphrased to "we have security staff for a reason, so be careful when you're outside". Those new to London might well have come away terrified.

By and large, though, this slightly porn-y end of Soho is a good place to be during the day. We're surrounded by excellent, cheap restaurants (whether Cali-Mexican, Japanese (especially Ramen) or just great sandwiches), and the only near death experience I've had so far involved a reversing courier van attempting to smear me across the road in front of the John Snow pub (it turns out my "fight or flight" response is rubbish: all I did was bang on the back of it as I was pushed along, shouting "fuckingshitfuck" – "stop" would probably have been more useful).

Walking south to Charing Cross means crossing through probably the single dodgiest part of Soho, surrounded by brothels and hugger-muggers, but between the hours of 7am and around 8pm there's really no cause for any great concern as long as you stay the hell away from the public toilets (side note: some of the tramps appear to even have keys to the toilets, although where they got these from we have no idea).

The area is changing, too. It's not exactly gentrification of the "Daily Mail readers eye property prices" variety, but over the past year a few of the dodgiest places, including the one really visible clipping bar, have finally been closed down. You have to wonder what'd happen to the place if the sex industry left, though – maybe the streets would be subsumed into the Carnaby Street Tourist Hellhole (TM), or maybe they'd just become empty backroads. For the moment, though, everything's becoming slightly festive, albeit in a slightly unusual way. Merry Chrimbo, Soho.

Yesterday morning we got a Government press release: "Government saves the Pint and the Mile". This morning, the Express takes the story and runs with it while flicking V signs across the channel as it goes. Lede paragraph:

"THE British pint, mile and ounce were saved yesterday as Brussels finally quit trying to kill them off."

Fourth para, quote:

Shadow Innovation Secretary David Willetts added: “The pint, the mile and pounds and ounces are part of our country’s rich traditions and it’s great they have now been protected from an absurd attempt by the EU to get rid of them.”

So, EU tries to force UK to go metric, UK resists. Got it. But in the seventh para:

"Yesterday MEPs voted to back the view of the European Commission that letting us keep our imperial system would have no real effect on the wider EU market."

Those damned Eurocrats, telling us Plucky Brits (copyright The Sun) to keep our imperial measures. Er, what?

A thought: we're often told that the web will democratise the flow of information, freeing people from a system where the news is filtered through a small group of people working in the media.

We are, however, usually told this by a small group of people working in the media. The only difference is that they now communicate via Twitter.

And that's it. More Damascene moments as they come in, followed by the news in your area. Also, cake-in-a-mug updates (sneak preview: it was disappointing).

When I get a cold, I get a hankering for wasabi peas. When I get a hankering for wasabi peas, it's time to pop round to Arigato on Brewer Street. And when I go to Arigato, I always end up buying so much stuff, not all of which I know how to actually cook. Oops. I blame the packaging.

Today's case in point: the MokoMoko cake-in-a-mug:

The instructions are entirely in Japanese, but I reckon they come down to mixing the powder with an egg, putting that in a mug then bunging that in the microwave. And then, apparently, the cake will start to sing (inept translation: "it's a chiffron cake, egg and something, something something, mokomoko, mokomoko, also available in chocolate"*)

Watch this space for more egg-mug-cake action. Possibly with high-def video, who knows.

* Yes, I know. I paid for a year's tuition, and I'm still clearly unable to translate cake adverts.

Suddenly, in the dead of light, the young shoe was visited by a strange apparition of his future self.

"Beware!", said the old shoe. "I was once like you – watertight and supple. Then that idiot stomped his way across London and back every day because he can't stand taking the tube, and now look at me. And Christ, do I smell. Yuck. Get out now!"

Alas, the foolhardy young shoe didn't listen. And by the time we get to May, I'll need another pair – it's an expensive habit.

I normally try to leave Have Your Say stuff to Speak You're bRanes, but couldn't resist this. What does Janine want from the Queen's Speech?

A new law to stop Britain becoming more of a police state than it already is. An end to the climate hype and green taxes, political correctness banned, the government to pay for a national monument to Baby P, the Speaker to be sacked, ID cards scrapped and a law preventing the following appearing on TV again: John Barrowman, Jimmy Carr, Gok Wan, Big Brother celebs, Heathrow Airport, Ryanair, the Loose Women, Vince Cable, Jordan, Cilla Black…because I'm sick to the back teeth of seeing them.

Janine, Wolverhampton

Heathrow? Ryanair? Really?

Found this while desperately searching for a short alternative to the horrible word "Brit" – it's from the Wikipedia entry for British People:

So representing the entire historical population of this nation we have three Prime Ministers, one engineer, one philosopher, one military figure, one Olympic athlete and, er, a second rate actress. I say we take out Brunel and stuff an X-Factor winner in there for good measure. And that bloke from the Safestyle UK adverts – you know, the crazy one with the hat.

And speaking of Britishness, this courtesy of Google's suggestion technology (see also this):

As a service to any American readers, here's the answers: not all of us do (just me), because we always have, because it makes them look like they have baby sheep on their heads and that's just cute, because we always have, it's a charity thing, because we always have, you are an idiot. And you are welcome.