tomroyal.com

Yes, I'm still obsessed with internet radio. Anyhow, an incomplete list but representative sample:

1. A school that trains postmen/women on how to avoid dog bites
2. Enlarged prostate therapy courses (over 3,000 performed, no less)
3. Diamond gusset jeans (website, includes godawful jingle)
4. A treatment for itchy eyeballs (finally!)
5. A car - with a full tank of gas, no less - for 4$ (and, presumably, a lifetime of repayments)
6. A seminar discussing the merits of dental implants, led by a guy who sells said implants. Mmm, impartial.
7. Kettle roasted peanuts, "as explained by kettle expert Mountain John"
8. A doctor ready to treat anything "from minor trauma to allergies", and specifically injuries from fish hooks
9. The lowest price on Chevrolets and Cadillacs in the Kansas City area - or they give you $10,000! And a 50$ gas card with every purchase! Lower prices and higher standards! An American revolution!
10. &c.

"Internet ad spendings up, you say? I should probably put some clothes on and go to work"

Actually, I feel the Guardian's pain. Every so often over the last few years I've found myself digging through stock photo libraries looking for a photo of somebody using a notebook computer - often with the dreaded keyword "lifestyle" involved, too - and I've discovered a few rules:

1. Men use notebooks up in high-rise offices. Usually three or more men surround the notebook, grinning and pointing like amused chimpanzees. Ties will be loosened and there will be venetian blinds in the background, or an empty office space that resembles an unfinished airport terminal.
2. Women often use notebook computers wearing pyjamas, or, even more commonly, an oversized (normally white, possibly man's) shirt. They often do so on a bed (see above) or a large beige sofa of the type that nobody in the real world owns because they are larger than a normal living room. Sometimes a lone female notebook user will be surrounded by the braying pack of berks described above, grinning and tapping the keyboard ("SEND HELP STOP AM SURROUNDED BY PACK OF STOCKBROKERS STOP")
3. Male or female, the notebook users in stock photos often strike poses presumably chosen to demonstrate victory or success (both arms raised, punching the air etc). The result is to make them look like lunatics or, worse, marionettes.
4. Occasionally the person will clutch a dollar bill in one hand, or stretch it out between both hands with a smug grin. This applies to pretty much any kind of stock photography.
5. No matter when the photo was taken, the notebook in question will always look as ancient as a quill pen and bottle of ink.

Up next at this rate, the top ten reasons why I hate Microsoft Word.

I'm sick of websites and newspapers enthusing about The Wire. Partly because it's cliquey - this is a programme watched by exactly one-millionth* of the number of people who tune in to Hollyoaks, but it gets huge amounts of attention. More importantly, though, because I've developed an unhealthy addiction to the stupid thing, and reading about it when I'm trying to concentrate on other matters doesn't help.

After steadfastly refusing to watch the show for months (I was sick of reading Charlie Brooker explaining how good it was, so for some reason I decided to ignore it - don't ask how this logic works) I bought season one on DVD then watched all 12 hours of it in about three sleep-deprived days. I'm now half way though season four, and pondering the ways to get hold of the final, fifth series before it comes out on UK DVD in about a decade.

So, it's the best thing on television, blah blah.

What annoys me even more than reading about The Wire, though, is the drek that takes its place in the UK TV schedules. Channel Four has picked up loads of HBO programmes - The Sopranos (which is good, but pales by comparison) and even the hardly populist Six Feet Under - but The Wire is left to languish on the cable/Sky only FX. Instead, tonight's C4 schedule includes the aforementioned Hollyoaks, some godawful film and, er, Sex Change Hospital. Even Sky, which can't be short of money and which ran HBO's own Deadwood on Sky One, has decided instead to spend what appears to be about half of its budget on promoting the mindboggling Ross Kemp in Afghanistan, in which a former soap opera actor gets filmed in a warzone with Our Boys ((c) The Sun).

It makes you wonder: what would be necessary to get serious, intelligent TV programmes shown in the UK. Possible solutions:

1) Get a former Eastender to overdub the voice of Stringer Bell, then re-show The Wire as Ross Kemp in Baltimore.

2) Introduce text voting and run the political subplots as a reality competition show: who wants to be a massively corrupt major. Maybe some sort of X-factor thing for crack dealers.

3) Run the whole show again, from the start of series one through to S5 when it finally crosses the Atlantic, on BBC4 or More4. Please. If more people actually see good television, they might ask for more of it in future. And that could only be a good thing.

* Statistic may be fabricated nonsense

A very incomplete list:

• Each cat will roughly double in size in one year. Hopefully this applies to the first year only.
• They will deposit a fine layer of hair over everything to the point where even expensive cyclonic vacuum cleaners are helpless and serve only to mock your inability to ever clean properly again.
• They will steal cake, cheese and olives from your plate, occasionally employing distraction tactics to this end.
• When you cook, they will move to lie in wait for any precious "floor cheese" that may drop from the kitchen counter.
• One of them may even take to licking the olive oil bottle (yuck).
• They will sleep in the kitchen sink, on the hob, and on the desk. Despite allegedly superior intelligence, and some success in other types of cat-training, you will be totally unable to prevent this.
• While you sleep, they will pounce on your head. And feet. And chest. Sometimes they will decide to sit, sphinx-like, on your chest and, while gently crushing you, doze off. Attempts to move them will be futile, as they are persistent.
• If you ever work from home, they will sit on the following items, making even the simplest tasks tricky: your paperwork, the keyboard, your arm, the mouse and the printer. Sometimes they will even attack the cursor and/or caret on the monitor.
• Other things they will sit on: freshly laundered clothes, the oven glove (again, yuck) and your laptop.
• They will eat their own fluff, then vomit furballs. These will be targeted so as to only land on expensive carpet rather than hard floors.
• There will also be poo. It will not, always, be in the right place.
• You will find yourself joining animal charities (plural) - the type that use pictures of wide-eyed puppies in adverts pleading for £2 each month.
• Most worrying of all: when you are at home, and nobody is around, you will talk to the cats. As if they are human. You may even have conversations of a sort. After a while, this will not seem strange to you.
• It's still totally worth getting cats.