tomroyal.com

Pictured: a personable but slightly dim creature with impressively fluffy hair, left, and my cat Hunter.*

One of the great benefits of the internet is being able to keep in touch with political developments as they happen – whether they be the pre budget report or, yesterday morning, a GLA plenary session on transport policy. One of the great annoyances of life, on the other hand, is listening to Boris 'bendy buses kill more cyclists'** Johnson and his ass-backward opinions on the various merits of public transport.

In fact, listening to Boris on public transport (the only time you'll see those four words together outside a photo opportunity right there, folks) is, as I realised, as frustrating as watching a cat attempt to operate a washing machine. And substantially less cute.

It's not even a matter of failed election promises, although a quick glance back through his transport manifesto does produce some gems – "halting the proposed Tube ticket office closures", anyone? – because, after all, Boris wasn't elected on the basis of his what he planned to do. He was elected because London's suburban voters recognised him as that funny bloke with the floppy hair off the telly. Personality over policies.

And on that note, meet Hunter.

Hunter is one of my two cats***. Like Boris, he has a mop of fluffy hair and, like Boris, he is either a little bit dumb or, very possibly, an evil genius simply pretending to be that way in order to ingratiate himself with fools. Like Boris he has no sensible policies on any issue facing London or Londoners, but has a few irrational dislikes (bin bags) and prejudices (Whiskas, not Felix) and knows how to play to his audience.

Hunter has not, however, published racist drivel, or, for that matter, written any of the same. Nor has he offended the people of Liverpool.

And so, assuming Boris stands again in 2012, I'd like Hunter to run for Mayor of London. In order to officially enter he'll need 330 signatories from around the city, which could be tricky, and a £10,000 deposit, which is frankly never going to happen. Which is a shame, because he could probably do a better job. Should you care to back him, there is what I believe constitutes a "Interweb 3.11 for Workgroups social media twampaign", or something like that, on Twitter here: #VOTEHUNTERFORMAYOR.

Notes:

* Photo by Adam Procter, CC licensed, original here.

** Fans of statistics may be interested to note that no they really really fucking do not.

*** His brother, Ralph H Cat, Esq, has no interest in provincial politics and intends to seize power as evil overlord of the universe sometime next April.

There's something strange about sitting in an office all day, knowing that not far away there's much newsworthy action taking place. We were going to press today – by the time I escaped with a camera the West End was quiet and, save for a few discarded placards and dozens of police, much the same as ever.

From last month – Police forced to confront vigilantism in Surrey:

"Surrey's Divisional Commander Chief Superintendent Adrian Harper was so concerned he had the leader tracked down and called him in for a face-to-face meeting.

He said: "It is my responsibility, and that of my many officers, to ensure those who live in East Surrey are safe and feel safe and I cannot emphasise enough how irresponsible it is for people to take the law into their own hands.

"I will deal robustly with anyone who does resort to vigilantism and targets who they believe may be responsible for these incidents. Often 'justice' groups target the wrong person and an innocent member of the community is seriously injured, something which is neither just nor fair."

Government press release today:

"A group of residents in Nottingham, who are working alongside the council and the police to tackle crime and anti-social behaviour in their area, saw offenders doing Community Payback today as part of a visit to the city by the Government's Crime and Justice Adviser, Louise Casey"

Ms Casey said: "I have been inspired by the determination of the residents I have met today in Nottingham who have said enough is enough to the small minority that are spoiling their quality of life and have had the courage to do something about it. I'm glad that some of these residents are also taking up our offer of free training to make sure they are clear about their rights and even more of a force to be reckoned with."

I know there's no moral or legal equivalence between the actions of the Sheffield group and the yobs in Merstham, and I'm sure that those involved in Sheffield have good intentions, but I can't help but think that the Government's idea that justice should be seen to be done leads us further in the direction of SpringShield-like vigilantism.

With "Community Payback" schemes, a "Victims' Champion" and so on we seem to be moving towards a system where the desired outcome of a criminal prosecution is public retribution to the satisfaction of victims or their representatives. With this idea that punishment must be carried out in full public view will come the assumption that, if punishment has not been seen, it has yet to take place. And if it hasn't taken place, then there's no time like the present..

And in other random legal news, my local MP Bridget Prentice made the papers for announcing a consultation into libel costs. A Very Good Thing, but surely addressing the fact that the current state of defamation law in the UK is absurd (forcing the accused to prove their innocence, for starters) would be a better start than limiting the potential damage of individual actions.

Things that scare the crap out of me, an example: The BNP miss a by-election seat, down the road in Bexley, by just nine votes.

Things that make me feel slightly better about the future, an example: my wife teaches in a school nearby, and heard that some of her students devoted their free time to campaigning against the racists.

Things that scare the crap out of me, another example: if those kids hadn't bothered, the result might have gone the other way.

For the next version of Word, could you add some sort of political rant filter? Nothing fancy, mind – just search for a couple of strings, like so:

Oh, and stick the same thing in Internet Explorer, please. The world will thank you for it.

Tom

.. but I'll gladly take it.

Worth reading as a sidebar to the post-election fallout: first this – Ana Marie Cox interviews Nicolle Wallace on the most elegant way to lie under a bus – then this, where as predicted the Republican right begins to indulge in an orgy of self destruction and blame, much of which is directed towards Ms Wallace.

From this article, which picks up about half way through:

NEWSWEEK has also learned that Palin's shopping spree at high-end department stores was more extensive than previously reported. While publicly supporting Palin, McCain's top advisers privately fumed at what they regarded as her outrageous profligacy. One senior aide said that Nicolle Wallace had told Palin to buy three suits for the convention and hire a stylist. But instead, the vice presidential nominee began buying for herself and her family—clothes and accessories from top stores such as Saks Fifth Avenue and Neiman Marcus. According to two knowledgeable sources, a vast majority of the clothes were bought by a wealthy donor, who was shocked when he got the bill. Palin also used low-level staffers to buy some of the clothes on their credit cards. The McCain campaign found out last week when the aides sought reimbursement. One aide estimated that she spent "tens of thousands" more than the reported $150,000, and that $20,000 to $40,000 went to buy clothes for her husband. Some articles of clothing have apparently been lost. An angry aide characterized the shopping spree as "Wasilla hillbillies looting Neiman Marcus from coast to coast," and said the truth will eventually come out when the Republican Party audits its books.

And from the bad news department, Proposition 8 passed.

Ohio went for the democrats as predicted, and 338 to 163 makes it a resounding victory. Thank fuck. And it should be noted that McCain who was, prior to the campaign ticket, always a representative of the saner side of the republican party, gave a graceful and impressive concession speech (See also here – "Yes, we will watch John McCain, who is looking down with disgust at his supporters, who are booing and hissing. It is no fun to lose a contest. But good god, his supporters are garbage"). Good for him.

As for Palin, I hope she gets hunted down by a helicopter full of angry moose. Go moose.

Spent tonight at the British Society of Magazine Editors awards. Gongs were handed out, Grazia won the top award, and Felix Dennis recited a poem – so far, so normal – but most people had something else on their minds. Top marks, in fact, to the editor of Vogue, who collected an award at the oh-so-formal event wearing an Obama 08 t-shirt.

Back at the flat, and with polls on the east coast closed for three hours CNN is projecting 174 to 49 in the electoral college and a 52 to 33 senate split with Florida and North Carolina currently impossible to call. Oh, and Arizona, oddly, is also still listed orange. Everything looks fairly good, in fact. But then hardly any of the votes have actually been counted, and for all CNN's fancy graphics (and my, are they fancy – Wolf Blitzer has what appears to be a giant iPod Touch that interfaces directly with the collective mind of America, or something) these are only projections based on exit polls. And polls, as we all know, often suck. Bah. I would check Fox for the view-from-mars polls (they've probably called California for McCain) but Virgin Media doesn't carry it. Damn you liberal media, etc.

And now it's 2am and the exit polls in my brain are reporting 15% drunk, 70% exhausted and 30% no longer able to work out percentage splits, so I'm going to bed. And if things take a turn for the worse overnight, expect me to be grumpy for a while. Like, say, four years.

PS – now they've cut to some country music berk in Arizona with the promise of a "major projection". I'm a sucker, but I'm going to wait for this one.

PPS – this is quite clearly a ploy to make me sit through shitty commercials, and it's working.

PPPS – 2.40am and Ohio projected to Obama after 15% count (<2m), 55% to 44%. CNN describing Republican position as "very bleak". CNBC talking about lines being crossed and the size of margins in the senate rather than the overall result. If this is correct, excellent. Now, bed.