tomroyal.com

Over the years I've come to know a lot about computers and how to put them together – give me the parts to make a PC and a screwdriver to short the motherboard power header pins and I could get it up and running – or installing Windows, at least – in about five minutes. And, thanks to hours mucking about with website programming and, before that, the Atari ST, I can program a bit – give me a language that works vaguely like either C or Basic and I can bodge together a working program. But there's one thing I know absolutely nothing about at all: how on earth all this stuff actually, you know, works.

When it comes to the electronics that makes all this stuff tick, I know nothing. I could make a simple circuit to light a bulb, and I remember that V = IR. That's about it. So, I think it's probably time to do something about this.

And here's my plan: I'm going to build a robot. Nothing fancy, but a simple thing that can run around the floor of the flat giving our two cats something amusing to chase and pounce on. Here's my (very scientific and carefully designed) schematic for the proposed Mousebot Mk 1:

The whole thing needs to fit into a smallish plastic box, and I think it's best if the drive wheels are largely contained inside (just poking out to touch the floor). With two motors driving two wheels I should be able to manouver the robot like a tank, although I'm not sure what to do with the back – it'll need either a pivoting wheel, or perhaps just to drag the back on the floor. Two switches on the front will tell the robot if it's hit something, and two on the top will activate when the cats manage to pounce on it.

In terms of controlling the whole thing, I'm planning to use an Arduino board. These can be programmed from a PC via USB (the language is really, really simple, and a bit like C), and then run independently when powered by a 9v battery. When I was over in San Francisco I picked up a copy of Make magazine that showed how to remote control a lawnmower using an Arduino chip, so I figure it should be easily up to a simple job like this.

The tricky thing is going to be controlling the motors from the Arduino. As I understand it the board can't handle powering motors directly, so I'll need to work out some way of controlling power from a separate battery pack to the motors from an Arduino output. I think this might require a transistor or two – figuring out how is, I suppose, the next step.

There's loads of Arduino information online, but not so much relevant to UK buyers, so my plan is to document the whole thing here (complete with Maplin part codes) in case it's useful to anyone else. All further instructions, part lists, photos etc can be found here.

The domestic housecat: it offers fluff, hugs and a wonderful array of meowling noises between the hours of six AM and breakfast. Photograph: me.

Just as the frenzy over some kind of rather expensive but shiny smartphone threatens to overbalance the collective sanity of our national press, it seems like a good time to finally review what must count as one of the world's finest achievements: the domestic housecat.

Since the first cats were identified roaming various sandy parts of the world humanity has upped its game and risen to the challenge of creating similarly wonderful things. Cheese, for example, has been a big hit, as has democracy and Ikea furniture. So what can feline evolution do to wrench back the crown?

The modern domesticat housecat is a creature of rare beauty. Slimmer than a Ford Transit van yet a trifle heavier than a trifle (mmm, trifle) its moderate heft makes it ideal for holding over one shoulder so that it gets a better view of the pigeons in the tree across the street. Fluffy around the edges, it remains relatively comfortable when – and it will do so often – it falls asleep on your lap, stomach, feet or legs (other favourite spots: your laptop, your bag, the sofa, the sink, under the boiler). Jonathan Ive has not, to my knowledge, compared cats to any model of camera, but I'd suggest a Zenit E SLR, mostly because I own of those also and they too tend to be a little temperamental. The proof of concept model – the kitten – is similar but smaller, with brainfuckingly cute mannerisms and a head that appears, like an SD anime character, to be two sizes too large.

Photo: Ralph Cat, in "kitten" beta version.

Domestic cats are widely available in the UK, often for little or no up-front cost. I share ownership of two versions – one in "grey tornado of fluff" finish and another in "basement cat black" – both of which we adopted*. On the front can be discerned a giant array of whiskers, used largely to see whether it is possible to crawl behind the fridge again or whether the latest human attempt to block this space has proven successful, while on the back is a port through which the manufacturers of Catsan are kept in business. Cats cannot take photographs, and have no need to as their owners are guaranteed to spend hours photographing them instead and sharing the results with anyone and everyone online.

Although a standard for speech and video communication is supported – the cat will honk, meowl and burble, while the human end automatically steps-down to a kind of childish babbling interspersed with terms of adoration -  it seems limited to discussions revolving around food, cat hair on the sofa and who's the most adowable fuzzywuzziest wickle fuwbawl oh-yes-you-are. The cat's eyeball – using a technology that I shall call the retina, because that is what a fucking retina is, thank you very much, Steve – delivers astoundingly crisp images of toy mice, pigeons, food and sunny spots on the carpet. Or so it seems.

Various companies have produced cases for the domestic cat. Some even look like bees. They provide no real protection, however, and clearly anyone who attempts to throw a cat across a room,  bee-costumed or not, should be hurled into a vat of angry scorpions.

With fluffy coats, adorable big glassy eyes, fwuffy paws, a battery that lasts most of the day before the low power alarm is sounded at great length, a surprising amount of pep when toys are produced and a frankly adorable habit of following you around the flat while purring with sheer delight, the cat has once more pounced over the competition, stolen its mouse and hurried off to hide it behind the toilet. Dogs might be man's best friend, but the domestic cat is – apologies – purrfect.

www.tomroyal.com

* Buying details: please do not buy a cat – many hundreds are waiting to be adopted. If you own one, insurance is absolutely fucking vital and not very expensive. Monthly food tariffs vary from £20 (Rahph cat, Whiskas) to far more (Hunter cat, special medical food). Vet checkup costs (at least £100/year) apply. Meow.

So, yeah, the election. Urgh. But there was one shining beacon of hope and joy: the first ever Hither Green CatPoll. We opened the custom-designed polling station at 10pm:

And there was an early showing of interest from the electorate:

As the evening dragged on, though, voter apathy struck. Ralph fell asleep in the kitchen sink, while Hunter couldn't quite bring himself to decide:

But eventually, after some encouragement to enter the booth, Hunter cast the deciding vote at around 1am:

He predicted a hung parliament, and his prediction was proved 100 per cent accurate at around 10.30am on the 7th. Given that we may see another election sooner rather than later, broadcasters interested in using this new polling technology are invited to get in touch; prices are reasonable and payment can be made in fish.

I know, I know – this has been going around the internets. But still: I shall mostly be spending my weekend making, and consuming, one of these:

.. a bacon cheeseburger wrapped in a Krispy Kreme donut. Apparently it's called a "Luther Burger", and the above photo was taken in the Google cafeteria.

Oh, and since I'm just posting shit off the internet these days, clicky here.

Two-cats-per-basket cold.

We haven't slept much this past fortnight, and it's all Ralph's fault.

Ever since we adopted Hunter and Ralph they've been surprisingly well behaved at night. They may have slept in some inappropriate and bizarre places (notably, on the hob), but they've always snoozed away the hours. Recently, though, Ralph has become nocturnal.

The fun usually starts at about midnight, and it goes like this:

Miow.

Miow.

(Pause)

Miiiow?

Miiiiiiiooouw?

(Pause for effect, and then..)

BBBBBBBRRRRRR-HOOOOONK?

BBBBBBBRRRRRR-HOOOOONK?

It's hard to describe this last noise. It's a new one Ralph has learnt, and it sounds like a child who, having stolen a bullhorn, cautiously winds it up before letting rip with a noise that could keep ships safely away from rocky shores. After four or five honks he will, if ignored, calm down for ten minutes, but then the whole performance is repeated.

And why does he do it? Because he wants his tummy tickled, apparently. Open the door and he'll roll over, paws akimbo, writhing and grinning with expectation. The big, fluffy, adorable twat.

Naturally, students of history as we are, we first attempted appeasement. Then we attempted to ignore him. After that failed, we've attempted to chastise him by night and exhaust him by day. So far, no joy. I'm beginning to think that the only creature capable of stopping this is Hunter, who misses his beauty sleep.

Hunter takes off – in HD from Tom Royal on Vimeo.

Hunter does his bit for science, helping me test the EX-F1's 60fps mode. This was shot as 60 6mp JPEGs in a one second burst and then smooshed onto the interweb, hence the dubious image quality (technical smooshing details: JPEG images resized to 960×1,280px in Photoshop, stitched into an AVI with JPEGVideo, converted to H.264 in Quicktime Pro then uploaded).

(NB – he did actually land safely about a second later. And he caught the snake, too.)

We took Hunter and Ralph to the vet for their 12 month / 730 meal service this week. This is always somewhat traumatic as, cloistered house cats that they are, they find the noise and bustle of the outside world rather terrifying. Both started doing that honking emergency call that scared kittens do (it's horrible – like a feline air raid siren) and Ralph hid himself under a blanket, peeking out only when he spotted Hunter in the other cat carrier.

Fortunately both are doing fine and Ralph, who was a bit porky last time, has shed a whole Kilogram, putting him back at his ideal weight. Hunter looks bigger but, as the vet put it, that's just the fluff – he's actually a size zero.

Hunter and Ralph, July 2006:

Hunter and Ralph, July 2008:

Complete photographic history here.