Saint Peter: Welcome to Heaven. I'm afraid there's just a little form filling before we open up the pearly gates, but it won't take a second. So, tell me – what brought you into the church? Were you born a Christian?

Lewisman Resident: No.

SP: Did you convert at a church school?

LR: No.

SP: Did you have a moment of revelation? Witness any miracles?

LR: No, and no.

SP: Okay then – did you perhaps find comfort in the church after a traumatic event?

LR: Not really.

SP: Well then, perhaps you could tell me – where, how and why did you convert?

LR: Well, I saw this oddly-capitalised sticker on a lamp-post on the Lee High Road.

SP: Oh, right. Actually, you're the third person today to say that. [fills in "other" category on holy clipboard]